Do You Remember?
by JennaTalbot
Summary: Inej returns to Ketterdam after time away at sea. Things were never normal for them, but is there any way the gang can get back a piece of what they had?
1. Chapter 1

The sun shone down on Inej as the wind made its best attempt at pulling strands of hair from its customary braid. Three years away from Ketterdam hadn't been enough to break her of that habit, and she still braided and coiled it every morning.

Her stomach flipped as she spotted land from atop of the mast. That was the beautiful thing about her ship, there were so many places to climb. While she missed the feel of a rooftop beneath her feet, the ropes and lines reminded her of her childhood. She spent most nights up in the rigging, using her natural talent for defying gravity to get some semblance of privacy. Specht had helped her pick a good crew, and many of those initial members were still here. Admittedly, she had lost a few along the way, and had picked up new members, but her core group was still with her. Inej had come to consider them her family, and valued the time the spent together. But she was a creature of habit, and preferred to sleep alone, with the sound of the sea lulling her to sleep. Gulls weren't the same as crows, but they made a passable replacement.

 _This is for them,_ she had told herself. Her crew had served her well over the years, and while most of them had no particular attachments, she often heard them reminiscing of their days in Ketterdam. Inej had made it very clear that they hadn't been avoiding the tiny island nation. It was just always out of the way of their course, always too far or too unnecessary to reach. She felt a particular sort of vindication any time they took on a ship flying the Kerch colors, but that was the only thing she permitted herself to feel. Anything else was too dangerous.

She hadn't necessarily made a conscious decision to return, but lately she had been plagued with dreams- the feel of leather, the rustle of feathers, and the soft brush of lips against her collarbone. If the dreams started now, after all this time, Inej wasn't going to ignore them. She had expected this at the beginning of her journey, but they hadn't come. Until now. Each day they sailed closer, and each day her dreams became more insistent. She had even taken to tying herself into the rigging after waking in shock one night and almost falling to the deck. That dream had featured a pair of coffee brown eyes, shifting in color and appearance until they resembled the glassy black eyes of a shark.

Looking back out over the horizon, she saw the land growing closer. What would she find when they made berth? The dock in Fifth Harbor was hers, so she knew they would have a place to land. But then what? She had picked up some news of Ketterdam over her travels, and the name Dirtyhands had never been far behind. Inej could be reasonably sure that he was still alive then. Or, at least he was alive four months ago, when they had last been in port and she could collect some information. A lot could happen in four months. _A lot could happen in four hours,_ she reminded herself grimly.

And even if he was alive, would he want to see her? She thought of that day years ago, the last time she had seen him.

" _I'm leaving tomorrow," she spoke up from the window of his office where she had crept in. They hadn't been corresponding directly since he gave her her ship, but she had felt this was important enough to warrant a visit._

 _He froze, and then turned around slowly. "Good. That ship is too deadly to sit in the harbor."_

 _Their eyes met, and for a moment, Inej thought she saw hurt flash across his features. But it was gone before she could be sure that she had even seen it. Maybe she had just imagined it. She sucked in a deep breath. "I need to do this." But was she trying to convince him, or herself?_

" _I know," was the only response she got. She nodded and turned to slide out of the window. "Inej, wait."_

 _She paused, biting her lip. When she turned, he was impossibly close._

 _Tentatively, he reached out his hand, without his glove. Inej stilled as he brushed her face with his bare hand. Her dark eyes met his and she thought she might drown in them. They stayed like that for a time, Kaz impossibly tense and Inej impossibly still. Finally, Kaz squeezed his eyes closed and removed his hand, breaking all contact at once._

" _No mourners," he whispered as he took a step back._

 _Disappointment crashed through Inej like the waves she was about to set sail on. "No funerals," she murmured as she left._

 _He hadn't come to see her at the dock, and she sailed away, wondering if that was the last she would see of the Bastard of the Barrel. Inej had been right. Kaz didn't say goodbye, he just let go._

The cries of one of her crewmates brought her back to the present. They had spotted land as well, and her time for daydreaming was over. She had chosen this path and it was too late to change course now. She swung her way down a line and landed softly on the deck.

"All good?" A voice asked from behind her. Her first mate Rast, a Kerch native, stood behind her, his brows creased with worry. Inej hadn't shared much of her past with anyone, but Rast had been smart enough to put the major pieces together. It was no secret that Inej had been the Wraith, even if you ignored the name of her flagship. None of her crew had upstanding backgrounds, and many were former slaves like her, but they all had good hearts. Rast had taken to Inej like the daughter he never had, and she welcomed his warm affections. It helped fill the void that formed when she dropped her parents back off in Ravka. That goodbye had been just as difficult as her goodbyes in Ketterdam, but she could rest easy with the knowledge that she was leaving by her own choice and under her own will this time.

"All good," Inej nodded, giving the man a small smile. He grinned and clapped a hand on her shoulder.

"The _Wraith_ won't be the same without you, but we'll get by I'm sure," he told her.

Inej looked at him, confused. "What?"

Rast just smiled knowingly. "The call of the sea is strong, but the siren call of home is stronger." Then he strode off, barking out orders to the deckhands.

Inej frowned. Was she planning to stay in Ketterdam? Her business in the True Sea wasn't yet finished, and she wasn't sure if it would ever be. Her hand rested lightly on the knife strapped to her waist, yet another habit from her days with the Dregs. The salty air meant she had to clean her knives twice as often, but they never left her person. She didn't feel quite whole without them. And what had Rast meant about home? Sure, she had considered the Slat her home for a time, but after their defeat of Van Eck, she wasn't sure she belonged there anymore. Inej had felt like an outcast, not welcome in the world that Kaz was creating. Or maybe she had been welcome, but Inej had known she didn't have what it would take to stay.

Instead, she had run. Run from her parents, run from the friends she still had left, run from her sins and the souls of the people she had killed. Inej had run away, only to find herself running back now. She just didn't know what she was running back to.

As the buildings of Ketterdam began to take shape, Inej lost herself in giving orders to her crew. Whatever was going to happen would come to pass, no matter how much time she spent dwelling on it.

* * *

 **AN: Hey guys, I'm back! I probably won't be updating this fic as often as my last and I don't have a super clear idea of how this is going to play out yet, but the ending of Crooked Kingdom was so wonderfully open that I had to take advantage of it. Let me know what you think? The title was taken from Jarryd James' Do You Remember and I 10/10 recommend listening to it because Kazej.**


	2. Chapter 2

Inej's stomach was in knots by the time they made berth. If Kaz had replaced her with anyone worthy of her previous title, he would know by now that she was here. And she wasn't sure what to do with that. Would he come to meet her? Should she go to him? Would he even _want_ to see her? Maybe she should go see Wylan and Jesper first, although Inej wasn't even sure they were still together or in the Van Eck mansion.

Her lack of knowledge burned her insides. That had been the most difficult adjustment for her. As the Wraith, she had known everything. All the secrets of Ketterdam were hers for the taking, and take she did. There wasn't an aspect of life in the city that she didn't know about.

But on the open sea, confined to her ship, there was almost no way to gather information. The first year, she made port more frequently than was strictly necessary, spending her time gathering secrets. Some of them were useless; whose husband was having an affair with whom, and which gambling houses were fixed. But the whispers she was looking for concerned Ketterdam. She heard whispers of a disgraced mercher who would be spending the rest of his life in Hellgate. She heard tales of the son that inherited his fortune, and how that fortunate had been expanding thanks to his Zemeni business partner. There were whispers of walking corpses in Ravka and Fjerda, and Inej could only hope that was Nina and not some drunk, superstitious sailors. And of course, there were whispers of the Bastard of the Barrel, each more fanciful than the next. Inej was certain that none of them were true, but they gave her hope. She feared the day that those whispers stopped coming.

As it turned out, Inej hadn't needed to worry about her course of action now that she was in the harbor. A small Suli boy was being shown onto the ship, wringing his hands nervously.

"Inej, there's someone here to see you," Rast called, interrupting her thoughts.

She walked down to meet them. "Hello there," she said kindly to the boy. He couldn't have been more than eleven, and it hurt her heart to see him here.

"Um… h-hello," he stuttered. "I have a letter for you!" He blurted out, digging through his oversized jacket.

Inej smiled, but it faltered when she saw the black seal affixed to it. "You work for… Dirtyhands?" She asked him as gently as she could. It had been three years since she had spoken his name, and she wasn't sure she could start now.

"Aye," the boy nodded his hand. "I was taken from my parents… Kaz is giving me a place to stay, and all I gotta do is deliver his mail!" The boy looked cheerful, and Inej felt her heart shatter a bit more.

She forced a smile back onto her face. "Thank you for your services," she said and she flipped him a gold coin. The boy's eyes went wide.

"Thank you miss! Ghezen smile on you!" He said as he raced down the gangplank and off of the ship.

"Cheerful young lad," Rast commented, nodding at the letter in her hand. "I'll leave you to it then. If you want someone to come with you, I'm here for you."

Inej smiled for real this time. "Thank you Rast. But this might be a letter telling me to get out of his city before sunset."

Rast chuckled. "How about you open it up and read instead of working yourself into a frenzy."

Inej took a deep breath and broke the seal.

" _Noon. Top of the Church of Barter."_

It was a simple message, and unsigned. But Inej would recognize that handwriting anywhere, in any life.

"Hmm, if you're going to get there by noon, you had better leave now," Rast commented.

"I don't remember giving you permission to read my private correspondences," Inej told him with an exaggerated frown.

"If I waited for your permission to do things, we wouldn't have lasted a week on this tub," he winked at her.

Inej shook her head good naturedly. "You're right," she said, giving him a hug and a peck on the cheek. "Keep things in order here for me?"

Rast chuckled again. "Of course. Now go have your date with the deadliest criminal in the Barrel, and have a good time!"

She giggled as she raced down the plank, mirroring the Suli boy from mere minutes ago.

Inej made her way up to the rooftops, and the sight took her breath away. She had forgotten how much she missed the city, the way the minimal sunshine reflected off of the buildings, and the light fog that settled over the ground. Ketterdam would never be a pretty city by any stretch of the imagination, but it had a certain charm and familiarity to it that Inej had sorely missed. It felt amazing to stretch her legs and use her climbing abilities on something that wasn't a ship's mast.

Even the air here made her ache for what she had once had. It was so different from the salty sea spray that had been her constant over the past years, but the familiarity of it threatened to overwhelm her. _This was a terrible idea._

But despite her misgivings, she knew she had to do this. She had to see him again. He had planned this brilliantly, somehow. The _Wraith_ had only been in the harbor and docked for an hour before the Suli boy had delivered his message. But an hour was plenty of time for Dirtyhands she supposed. And planning this for such short notice didn't give either of them enough time to back out or second guess what they were doing.

Shuddering, she finally landed on the roof of the Church of Barter. This was her favorite building in the city. She didn't remember telling him that, but of course he had known. He always knew. Holding her breath, she did a lap around the entire roof, climbing up over the spires and around the tiles and mounds that made the shape of Ghezen's right hand. She frowned when she got back to where she had started. He wasn't there.

Gritting her teeth, she stared out over the city. If he had made her come all this way, and wasn't planning to show… Inej felt like a fool. She never should have got her hopes up, although it was unlike him to go against his word. In the distance, she could see the _Wraith_ floating in the harbor, small and mostly inconspicuous, the way she had wanted it.

"Interesting choice of colors," a rough voice said from behind her.

Inej sucked in a gasp, suddenly afraid to turn around.

"And you always said I had a flair for the dramatic," the voice continued. "Explain it to me."

Her voice shook more than she would have liked as she replied, "I would think it's fairly obvious. Especially to you."

The voice behind her hummed in agreement, closer than it had been before. "Maybe. But I want to hear your take on it."

Inej took a deep breath to steady herself. "A black crow, talons out, flying over a spotted lynx, claws extended. On a Suli red, the color of the masks my people wear. All of the things that have shaped who I've become." She had agonized over creating the perfect flag to represent her and her ship, and she was proud of the end result.

"Your own design?" She could feel his breath on the back of her neck. She just nodded, unable to trust her voice in that moment. "Clever," he replied, his voice further away now. She didn't notice his steps retreating, as hyper fixated on his voice as she was.

Inej felt the sudden grip of desperation at the thought that he was getting farther away, not closer. She whirled around and couldn't stop herself from gasping.

* * *

 **AN: Classes don't resume until Wednesday, so here's another chapter! Let me know what you think?**


	3. Chapter 3

He looked exactly how she imagined, and yet completely the opposite. All of the physical characteristics were the same. The same burnt coffee colored eyes, the same face devoid of emotion, the same hairstyle, the same cane in his hand. He looked older, but Inej supposed that was to be expected since, well, he was. She was too. But besides older, he looked… haunted, almost primal. The look in his eyes was unsettling, and Inej didn't know what to make of it.

He might look the same, but this wasn't her Kaz.

Inej was aware that she was staring, but he was staring back just the same. "I… it's good to see you," she said, suddenly timid.

Kaz grinned, and the haunted look he wore only moments before was gone. "The sea is a good look for you," he commented, one eyebrow raised.

Inej blushed. _What is wrong with you? Saints,_ blushing _over him?_ She cleared her throat awkwardly and gave him one long, appraising glance. "Ketterdam's highest ranking Barrel boss seems to be a good look on you too."

He snorted, but straightened his tie. "The day this city is good to me will be the day I die."

Inej couldn't help it. She burst out laughing, unable to contain the emotions that were wrestling around inside her. It wasn't the most logical response, but she supposed it was better than crying.

After a moment of silence, Kaz joined in, his gravelly chuckle underscoring her hysterical laughter. Inej sunk down to a seated position, and Kaz followed.

Once seated, Inej sobered up. "How have you been?" She asked him softly.

Kaz waved his hand as if to dismiss the question. "Everything has been smooth sailing here. No sign of Rollins and Van Eck's been put away for life."

"That's good," Inej said. "But how have _you_ been?"

Kaz remained silent, staring off into the distance. That haunted look was back, and Inej knew she wasn't imagining it this time. Her heart clenched.

"I'm sorry," she murmured.

He looked at her sharply. "For what? You have nothing to apologize for."

Inej was fairly sure that wasn't true. "But I do. I… we… I left you. And not just me. Everyone left. And we… well I don't know what we were, or if we would have ever been… anything. I ran away before we could find out."

She was staring off at the harbor but she could feel Kaz's eyes boring into her. "You made the only decision that made sense." _Ever the pragmatist._

"But was it the right one?" She turned her dark eyes back to meet his, the challenge obvious.

Kaz still hadn't looked away. "Think about it Inej. Why would you want to be here? Ketterdam is a city of sin, where the bad guys win and everyone else gets conned, swindled, and left for dead. The monsters have free reign of this place. Your Suli ideals would only be tarnished here, more than they already are. This place doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better than this." He gestured around them.

Inej didn't back down. "Then you don't blame me for leaving you, for leaving this?"

"No. I would have done the same thing if I was you," Kaz said.

Inej wasn't sure if she should be angry or reassured by that. "Then why do I feel like there's something you're not telling me?" Normally, she wouldn't have asked. But that _look_ was back and she could feel it searing her insides.

"I'm fine Inej," he said sharply.

She looked at him sadly. "I don't think that you are."

Kaz stood up, his face blank. "I do not need your pity." She stood up with him.

"What? No that's not-" Kaz stormed off across the rooftop, to wherever he had found access, leaving Inej baffled.

"Kaz!" She yelled, and it was if finally saying his name after all this time shattered any restraint she had left. She sank back down to the ground, sobs wracking her small frame. Three years of pent up emotions flowed out of her on that rooftop under the Ketterdam fog.

Finally the tears stopped coming, and Inej sniffled and hauled herself to her feet. This wasn't the first time she had despaired over Kaz Brekker, and there were two people who could make her feel better, one much more accessible than the other. All she really wanted to do was crawl back to her ship and leave this Saintsforsaken city, but she knew that was the wrong course of action.

Carefully, she picked her way over the rooftops, the exhilaration she felt earlier completely gone. She was exhausted by the time she reached the Van Eck manor. Hesitating, she decided to go to the front door. Inej had left this place as a guest, and it seemed right that she should ask to be allowed to wasn't entirely sure she would be welcomed. Inej squared her shoulders and knocked.

"Hello ma'am, can I help you?" The door was answered by a tall Shu woman, her golden eyes shining in the afternoon light. Inej didn't recognize her. She supposed it was only natural that Wylan would have different people working for him after three years.

"Ah…" Inej's voice faltered. "Yes, I'm here to see… Mister Van Eck?"

"May I ask who is calling?" The woman inquired politely.

"Inej Ghafa," she responded, wringing her hands.

The woman smiled, opening the door wider. "Of course, ma'am. We've all been told that Inej is always welcome in this home. If you'll wait here, I'll go inform him-"

There was a sudden screech and then Inej felt herself flying across the room, arms pinned to her sides. She braced herself to slam into the wall or the floor, but her descent was abruptly stopped. Opening her eyes, she was greeted with a flash of lime green and dark skin. It was then that she realized she had been literally tackled into a hug, and she grinned.

"Saints, Jesper, I didn't come all this way to be killed now," she managed to gasp.

"Sorry," Jesper said without letting go. She could hear the grin in his voice.

"Jesper!" She gasped out again.

This time he did let go, to Inej's great relief. His grin was still fixed on his face, and Inej heard the Shu woman laugh softly and turn to leave. "Well, well, well. If it isn't our little Wraith, back from her time as a pirate!" He picked her up and swung her around.

"Jesper, it's so good to see you," Inej said warmly. "But I wasn't a pirate! Not _technically_ any ways. I didn't steal from anyone who hadn't stolen first!"

Jesper raised an eyebrow. "So you're a pirate of thieves. Better tell Ketterdam to watch out."

Inej hesitated, and Jesper was afraid that he had somehow just unknowingly put his foot in his mouth. But the moment passed and she shook her head with exasperated fondness. "I missed you Jes."

"I knew it, you came back for me! I knew you couldn't resist seeing this face again," he winked. "Wylan! Wylan get down here, we have company!" His voice bellowed through the marble foyer. Inej found herself giggling again. Jesper looked at her, wiping under her eye with a small frown on his face. But before he could open his mouth, Wylan entered the room. Jesper gave her a meaningful look, letting her know that they would be talking about this later.

"Inej!" Wylan exclaimed, hurrying across the floor. His embrace was much more collected than Jesper's had been, but she could feel the smaller boy's genuine excitement. She hugged him back tightly.

"It's so good to see you guys," she said, tears forming in her eyes again.

Jesper grabbed her wrist and pulled her into the next room. "Come on, it's almost time to eat, and then we can talk." He looked Inej up and down. "I don't imagine that you eat too well on that boat of yours."

"It's a ship!" Inej huffed pretending to be offended. But her stomach rumbled, giving her away. Jesper just laughed in response as Wylan went to inform the kitchen staff they would be joined by one more.

The food was delicious, and dinner was filled with idle chatter and Jesper's constant questions about what being a pirate was like. For someone who couldn't stand being confined to a ship, he sure was curious about it.

"How have either of you not put on weight?" Inej asked when they had finished. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten this much food.

Jesper waggled his eyebrows. "We get our exercise, if you catch my drift." Wylan turned bright red and started stammering, which Jesper covered with another booming laugh. Inej groaned and covered her face.

"That was _not_ what I wanted to hear," she moaned. More seriously she added, "I am really happy for you guys though."

There was a note of sadness in her voice, nearly undetectable. If Jesper didn't know the Suli girl as well as he did, he would have missed it.

"Thank you Inej," Wylan smiled as he stood up, his face still red. "I've got a stack of bills calling my name, so I'll take my leave if you two don't mind." Jesper nodded and Inej remained silent. He got up and took two cups of hot chocolate from one of the kitchen staff, moving over to the next room. Silently, Inej got up and drifted after him. He was sprawled out on the couch, and she snuggled into his side, taking the cup in her hands. The routine was familiar, and that in itself was comforting.

"So. You met with him first I assume?" He looked down at her tiny form. "And I take it, it didn't go well."

Inej let out a snort that could have been a laugh. "That's one way of putting it."

Jesper hummed but didn't say anything. His fingers drummed against his own mug, knowing that if he stayed silent Inej would share when she was ready. He hoped it didn't take her too long though. Without the Wraith around, his patience was out of practice.

"Jes… I don't know what I'm doing here. Why did I come back?" She took a sip from her mug, sighing. "I was so excited to be back here, to see Ketterdam and all of you again. I think this was a mistake."

He closed his eyes. _Why did Kaz insist on ruining everything?_ "Inej," he started, but she cut him off.

"I just don't know why I thought things were going to be different now. I don't know, I thought that me leaving and then coming back would somehow magically fix everything, but there is no fixing this. I don't even know what this is! And it's more than… him. Nothing is the same anymore, not you, or Wylan, or Nina, or Mat-" Inej stopped abruptly.

Jesper set his cup on the table and ran his fingers through her hair. "Look, I don't know what to say about Kaz-" Inej let out a little sob at his name and he hastily backtracked. "I don't know what to say for or about him, and I don't know what you two have going on, not really. But I do know that I am incredibly relieved to see you again, and so is Wylan. We don't think it was a mistake for you to come here, to come back and visit your friends, your home."

There was that word again. _Home._ Right now, Inej didn't think Ketterdam could ever be a home to her, not really. But even as the thought crossed her mind and her heart ached, she knew she didn't want to be anywhere else.

"I didn't really mean that," she nestled closer into Jesper's side. "But I do miss what we had. Is it normal to miss almost dying on a regular basis?"

Jesper let out a bark of laughter. "I think you've finally got a grasp on my life dear Inej."

She turned to look at him. "You're a good man Jesper Fahey."

He kissed the top of her head. "I know," he replied simply.

She drifted off to sleep like that, Jesper's twitching oddly comforting to her.

* * *

 **AN: In which Inej starts the day with one boy and ends it with another. If you couldn't tell by now, Jesper and Inej are my favorite platonic relationship and I love them.**


	4. Chapter 4

Kaz sat alone in his room, fuming. _Why are you such a fool?_

When Inej had started crying, he wanted nothing more than to turn around and comfort her, to stay with her. But he couldn't. He didn't know how, and after all this time the shock of seeing her again happy and healthy was too much. She had been practically radiant.

Because Kaz wasn't sure that he was healthy or happy anymore.

It had taken him a while to admit it, but he could finally say that Inej was part of the problem. It wasn't fair to place the entirety of the blame on her though.

He was frustrated at the hollow pit in his stomach. He had finally gotten his revenge on Pekka Rollins, the thing that had kept him going this far and influenced every decision he made. He should feel free, happy, or even relieved. But all he felt was empty. He had done it, but at what cost?

Cost had never been a consideration of Dirtyhands. The job was the job, and if it needed doing then he did it. This last job had given him the two things he always wanted- revenge on Rollins and the Barrel was now his. The things he wanted most.

But he had never stopped to consider that there were other things that he needed. Other things that the boy he tried so hard to drown needed.

Eventually he was able to admit to himself that Inej was at the top of that list. His greatest asset, his best spider, the Wraith. But it was more than that. He missed her silent presence, the way she was never far off. He missed the calming effect that she had, and on his worst days he was even able to admit that he missed her Suli platitudes, despite how hard he tried to ignore that fact.

All he had wanted was to make her happy, and maybe see _that_ smile one more time. Money was no longer an object to him, and he had been so pleased to be able to get her her ship, and to see the way her face positively lit up. Finding her parents was the second most difficult thing he had ever done, but that was worth it as well. He knew what it meant for him. Once Inej had her family and a way to chase her dream, he wouldn't be needed any more. But seeing her radiate with pure joy in the moment- well, nothing else had mattered. He would do it all again without a second thought.

The most difficult thing he had ever done was watch her sail away, undetected from his spot near the pier.

Besides Inej, his chest ached uncomfortably every time he thought of the crew that had left him. Matthias was perhaps the easiest. Kaz was no stranger to death. The Fjerdan was gone, but he alone would never come back. Kaz didn't have to deal with the feeling of hope that tickled him every time he thought about the others returning. He did his best to ignore those thoughts, but he could feel his temper slipping as time went on.

Kaz was surrounded by people, to the point where he had started avoiding spending time in the Slat when not necessary. He was almost never truly alone, but he was lonely. Without the fires of revenge driving him forward and filling his every waking thought, he found his crew- _ex crew,_ he supposed- filling them instead. He had tried to distract himself with business. Managing the Crow's Club was hardly a challenge though. Training his new recruits had taken more of his time and attention, but even that distraction faded over time. It was always back to them.

The way the moon glinted off of Inej's hair and the way she squared her shoulders to make herself appear taller before she would disagree with him. The way Jesper could never stop twitching, and that mad look he would get in his eyes during a fight, those pearl handled revolvers never far from his grasp. When Nina would come strolling into the Slat like she owned the damn place, and the ear piercing squeal she let out any time someone mentioned waffles. They way she absolutely commanded a room, so opposite of how Inej behaved. Matthias: tall, blonde, and brooding, but slowly warming up to the rest of them, smiling at their jokes, his Kerch and his sense of humor improving. Wylan, with his golden curls now restored, and the blush that would race over his features any time Jesper said anything mildly suggestive to him. And Jesper spent a lot of time saying things that were more than mildly suggestive. Even Kuwei, whom Kaz never particularly liked, was present in his thoughts and counted among his losses.

He couldn't say that he trusted any of them implicitly, except perhaps Inej, but he knew them. He knew their desires and what made them get out of bed in the morning. He knew that they would follow him to Hell and back, because they had. Or maybe that was the definition of trust.

And a tiny piece of him- a truly monstrous piece of him that he hated- blamed them. Kaz blamed all of them for leaving.

Hearing Inej throw that at him on the roof had given life to that piece, and he could feel it twisting white hot in his gut. He had spent three years trying to squash it out of existence, but hearing someone else say it erased all of that effort.

He had dreamed of becoming a true Barrel boss for so long. Now that he was there, Kaz was pretty sure his dream had shifted along the way and he hadn't noticed. Looking back, he couldn't pinpoint the change either, but it was apparent.

And what in the name of Ghezen had he been thinking today? Inej was _there._ He had imagined that moment a thousand different ways, but never with him storming off and leaving her crying on a rooftop. Him, storming off! Just like a moody, spoiled child who didn't get the toy he wanted from the market that day.

He knew why Inej had left, and it hadn't been a pleasure cruise. He was sure that her time at sea hadn't been all sunshine and sea shanties, and Kaz would bet kruge that Inej now carried as many demons as he did. They were made to understand each other. And he threw it all away, again.

She had been right, he was worth pitying.

He was the most dangerous person in the Barrel, in Ketterdam, and probably all of Kerch. It was practically his mantra that compassion got people killed.

For once, he was disappointed to be right. Because with each passing day, he was dying a little more.

* * *

 **AN: Can we all just agree that Drama Queen Kaz would spend an insane amount of time brooding while** **listening to Three Days Grace ('Animal I Have Become' anyone?). Also I spend a lot of time writing from Inej's pov but I would die for Kaz Brekker**


	5. Chapter 5

The breeze from the window woke Inej from her sleep. Or rather, the lack of a breeze. Sleeping in an actual bed with an actual roof over her head felt too strange, so she had opened the window in the guest room hoping the night air would help. And now someone was in her room, standing in front of the window.

She slowly reached for her knife, by her side even as she slept.

"There's no need for that," a rough voice told her. "I haven't come here to hurt you." The _again_ was left unspoken, but hovered in the air.

"Kaz," Inej whispered as she sat up, thankful that she slept fully clothed. "What business?" She asked as she narrowed her eyes, slipping easily back into Ketterdam slang.

Kaz sighed. "I just… came here to talk."

Inej nodded carefully. She knew Kaz better than anyone else, and she could tell something was eating him. "So talk."

He shrugged in the darkness. "Somewhere alone?"

"We are alone," Inej looked around the room pointedly. Kaz opened his mouth but she continued. "This isn't the Slat, the walls don't leak here. Wylan sleeps like the dead. I'm sure Jesper is up somewhere, but if he knows what's good for him, it won't be lurking outside this room."

She smirked as she thought she heard footsteps retreat down the hallway.

"Point taken," Kaz replied.

Inej waited silently for him to continue. He was the one who snuck into her bedroom to talk after all.

He ran a hand through his hair and shifted uncomfortably. While his face was still mostly neutral, Inej could sense his nerves.

Taking pity on him, she asked, "What brings you here on this fine night?"

Kaz hesitated for a moment longer. "I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"You saw me earlier, you know I made it back in one piece." She frowned.

"That's not what I meant," he shook his head.

"Oh," Inej said simply. That was perhaps the closest thing to an apology she could expect from the Bastard of the Barrel. Had he really come to check on her after the rooftop incident?

He continued to surprise her with his next statement. "I was being foolish."

Inej let out a chuckle. "Yeah, you were." Kaz winced. "But I don't think either of us handled that particularly well," she added, noting the way that he relaxed slightly at her words.

"Why now?" He demanded suddenly.

Inej didn't have to guess at what he meant. She closed her eyes sadly. "I don't know. I don't think I was ready before. I couldn't… I couldn't come back here, I didn't know that I wanted to. For the first time in my life I had nearly everything I wanted. And you did that for me, it seemed such a shame to waste that gift. And then I started having dreams, of Ketterdam… and you."

Kaz raised an eyebrow.

"Everything was just so complicated here. Everything was a fight for survival, never knowing who to trust or what was happening. In some ways, the sea was similar to that. Storms would come in without notice. But I got to decide when and where to fight. I knew I could trust my crew." She said the last bit like a challenge. Perhaps it was unfair of her, but she needed to hear his answer.

She could tell the blow landed when Kaz's shoulders hunched up again. "I'm glad you were happy," he said in lieu of an answer, but there was a bitter edge to it.

"I was," Inej agreed. "I was, until I wasn't."

Kaz looked at her, a slight look of confusion on his face.

"I thought that was my true purpose. I thought that hunting down slavers and the scum who sell humans like they sold me was what I was meant to do. But it's been three years and I still feel like I'm living someone else's life."

"Have you ever felt like you were living your own life?" Kaz asked.

Inej smiled sadly. "When I was here. After- after you came for me when Van Eck had me. It didn't take long after that for our wanted posters to hang everywhere in the city, but I felt like we were on top of the world. It felt right."

She paused. "And then everything went so wrong. We lost Matthias. Because of that, we lost Nina too, I'm afraid for good. Wylan inherited a fortune, Jesper moved in with him. You… bought me my ship and found my parents. Why did you do that?"

Kaz seemed surprised at the question. "Because that was what you wanted."

"I thought it was, I really did. And I'll be forever grateful for what you did for me. Everything you did for me. I think… I stayed away for so long because I needed to be sure."

"Sure of…?"

Inej made eye contact with him in the still darkness. "I needed to be sure that when I came back to Ketterdam it was because I wanted to be here, not because I thought I owed you."

For a brief moment, emotions flickered across Kaz's face, too quickly for Inej to name them in the dark.

"You don't owe me anything Inej," he said carefully. "We don't keep score."

She nodded. "I know that now." After a beat, she continued, "You came here to talk and it seems I've been doing all of the talking. Will you tell me how you've really been now?"

The tension that had seeped out of him during their conversation was back immediately, and he looked every part a proper Barrel boss.

Inej sighed, sad that their moment was over. "It's ok, you don't have to share if it makes you uncomfortable. You're entitled to your secrets."

Kaz ground his teeth together. "You won't like it."

Inej considered him carefully. "I've never liked much of what you've done Kaz Brekker. But I'm still here."

"You left," he accused her, and it was her turn to wince.

"Yes, I did. And I don't regret it. But I came back."

Kaz let out a slow breath. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Are you sick? Or hurt?" Inej asked, her voice full of concern. If Kaz was injured and she hadn't noticed…

But he just laughed harshly. "I'm not sick. Physically," he muttered as an afterthought.

Inej frowned. "Then what…"

His hand clenched and unclenched around his cane. He knew he had come here to admit his weakness, but that didn't make it any easier. Inej was already aware of his other weaknesses, but the thought of adding more to that pile made his insides burn.

"You were right, on the rooftop," he started quietly. "Before I ran off like a child." Seeing the confused look on Inej's face he continued, "You started to say it just before I left. I just couldn't handle hearing it from your mouth. It took me too long to admit it to myself, and to hear you throw it back to me after being back for no time at all…" He trailed off and shrugged.

"Our last job together gave me everything I wanted, the things I spent my entire life working for. Money, revenge, and respect. The Barrel is mine, the Dregs are mine. The Slat and the Crow's Club- they're mine. I should be happy."

"But you're not?" Inej prompted gently.

He laughed that harsh laugh again, a sound that Inej decided she hated. "I feel empty. I've never been a hero and I've never wanted to be. I've done terrible things and I've never felt guilty. But now, I don't feel anything."

Inej watched as he paced the room like a caged animal. "That Suli boy you sent to me seems to look up to you."

Kaz stilled. "He reminded me of you," he said quietly.

"Come sit," Inej said patting the bed. Kaz looked unsure. "If you want to," she amended.

He made his way over to the bed and sat, but Inej could see how stiff he was. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen Kaz this uncomfortable. A thousand thoughts and questions were racing through her mind, but she decided now wasn't the time. Instead, she started humming an old lullaby that her mother had taught her when she was a child.

"What are you doing?" Kaz asked, looking at her sharply.

She laid down, careful to keep a good distance between her and the boy at the foot of the bed. "My mother taught it to me," was all she replied.

Inej kept humming, and she noticed Kaz's eyelids start to droop. She smiled and kept going. If she was lucky, Kaz would get a couple hours of sleep before he took off to do whatever it was he did. Saints knew he looked like he needed it.

She kept humming even after Kaz's breathing leveled out and his head dropped to her chest. She kept humming until she too fell asleep, curled up so she wouldn't disturb him.

* * *

 **AN: Featuring my true otp: Kaz/A good night's sleep**


	6. Chapter 6

The first thing Inej was aware of when her consciousness returned was that it was too hot. The second thing she realized was that there was someone else in her room.

She shifted slightly to see who it was, and was surprised to see Kaz still on the end of the bed, now laying down on top of her feet, although still on top of the covers. She held her breath, hoping he hadn't felt her shift, but it was too late. Kaz was instantly up on his feet, looking around wildly.

"It's just me, you're still in the Van Eck manor. We both fell asleep last night," Inej told him as gently as she could manage.

His eyes were still wide, but he sank back down on to the bed, looking dazed. He took in the sun shining through the window. "How long…?"

Inej yawned. "It's still early. I don't know exactly what time you got here last night, but I would guess about six hours."

"And I was… asleep the whole time?" He asked warily.

"Yeah. We both were. I think I fell asleep right after you did," Inej said.

Kaz didn't look convinced, but he hadn't left yet. Inej decided to count that as a win. He winced as he stretched out his bad leg.

"So, I bet Wylan's chefs cook a mean waffle," she said, hoping to defuse some of the tension.

Kaz didn't make eye contact. "Sure."

"There's still something you're not telling me," Inej said with a frown. She didn't know if it was the bed sharing that had been a problem, but she had a feeling it was more than that.

"There are a lot of things I don't tell you," Kaz replied coolly.

The comment stung, but Inej pressed on. "You're mad at me?" She guessed.

Kaz opened his mouth to deny it and then stopped. Instead he just nodded.

Instead of feeling angry or surprised, Inej felt a strange calm spread through her. She knew something was still bothering him, and she was almost relieved to have that feeling validated. "Then say it to my face Kaz."

"I don't think you want me to do that," Kaz said, maintaining his cool facade.

Inej felt her temper flare at that. "Oh I really do Kaz Brekker. If you're going to hold some grudge against me, at least have the decency to tell me what it is," she spat. She knew she was playing a dangerous game, but she hoped that goading him would make it easier for him to just say what he obviously needed to say. And she had reached her breaking point.

His jaw clenched, but he didn't say anything.

"You're acting like an utter child Kaz. How do the Dregs feel about having a child for a leader?"

His eyes narrowed dangerously. "You want to hear it Inej? You really want to hear how I _feel?_ " He practically hissed. "I've been trying to hide that particular monster from you, but if you really insist, then fine!

You were right, I do blame you for leaving. You were gone for _three years_ Inej! For three years I ran this place alone, because when you left you took everyone with you! All the best members of my crew, all of my f-"

He cut off angrily, but recovered quickly. "And I was left here, with an entire city full of problems to deal with. I spent _three years_ lurking around the docks listening for any hint that you were still alive. Three years dealing with the rumors and taunts and jibes from the other gangs, and even from within the Dregs, about how you were dead and that you would never come back. About how you never got the tattoo and had just been waiting for the first chance to run. Three years of having to compensate for no longer having a spider. No one trailing my every move, no one always just _there_ and not being completely infuriating about it. Having to feed the damn crows outside my window myself because they wouldn't shut up otherwise. Three years dealing with Wylan and Jesper, who basically refused contact unless it was to interrogate me about if I had heard from you. Because apparently, I was supposed to be the one to hear from you.

But nothing. Other than me coming up with new ways to picture your death every day. For three whole years, nothing. And you did a fantastic job at staying hidden by the way. I don't know what else I expected from you, but you've never been able to hide from me before _Wraith_." He spat the name at her.

And there it was.

She took in Kaz's angry stance. His chest was heaving, and there was a dangerously unhinged gleam in his eyes. But behind that, she could detect the fear that he held onto, that was driving him forward now that he didn't have his plot for revenge to consume him.

Inej felt her anger ebb away, replaced with guilt. The hardest part of being away at sea was her inability to gather information. She had never stopped to think that it would be that much harder for those she left behind to get information on her. At least they had mostly been in one place. Inej had made it her goal to roam the True Sea as undetected as possible to prevent any issues with the law.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. Normally, sorry wasn't in her vocabulary, but she had been saying it a lot lately. It was a term present and frequently used in the language of her friends, and she adopted it now, in a desperate attempt to make them understand.

"At the risk of sounding like an 'utter child', you should." And with that, he left, making his escape through the still-open window. Inej was left sitting in bed, her mouth open and a tangle of emotions swirling through her.

She sat like that for close to an hour before she got up and made her way down to the kitchen in a daze.

Jesper was flitting around the room, messing with a huge stack of papers when Inej arrived.

"Inej!" He exclaimed when he saw her, dropping the papers in a precarious stack on the table in favor of a plate of waffles. "These babies have been waiting for you!"

"How much of that did you hear?" She asked him warily.

He shrugged sheepishly. "Kaz isn't exactly quiet when he yells. But I promise I stayed down here. Other than the general tone, your secrets are your own."

Inej groaned, but took the plate of waffles and sat down. "Better here than the Slat I suppose."

"You know, I was going to tease you about him being here last night AND this morning but ah… What exactly happened…? You don't have to share specifics but…" he shifted uncomfortably. "I don't think I've ever heard him yell like that before. How badly do I need to beat him up?"

Inej snorted. "Jes, no offense but you know you would never get the drop on Kaz. No, I deserved that. I… basically provoked him until he yelled at me. Which, didn't take long."

"My dear Inej, I'm supposed to be the gambler with a death wish. Why the hell would you do that?" He asked her, confusion plain on his face.

"I knew he was upset about something, but he wouldn't say it. I thought if I could get a rise out of him he would just spit it out. Turns out that's easier to do after three years. Which… leads me to my next point. I'm really sorry Jesper."

He cocked his head, sinking down into the chair next to her. "Sorry for what?"

She sighed. "For leaving. And for… not coming back, or sending word, or something. Kaz… told me that you and Wylan both gave up on the Dregs. And he seems to think that you only went to him when you were asking about me."

"We didn't-" Jesper shifted guiltily in his chair. "Wylan didn't think it would be a good idea for him to have a connection with the Dregs and still try to establish a reputation as a good business partner…"

"Kaz blames me for everyone leaving," Inej continued.

Jesper frowned. "That's not fair! Wy would have tried to set his family's name right whether or not you stayed here, and well, I'm in love with the stupid boy and agreed to help. And Nina- Nina had to go. So did Kuwei. And you were doing what you had to do too. It's not your fault that everyone had dreams that didn't involve being a criminal like Kaz does!"

Inej sighed and rubbed her face. "It's not fair, but it wasn't fair of me to leave you all with nothing either."

"I guess… what Wy and I did here wasn't exactly fair either…" Jesper said after a few moments of silence. "But this is _Ketterdam._ When does anything ever happen here because it's fair?"

Inej didn't have a good response to that.

* * *

 **AN: Because who needs plot when you can have more poorly handled emotions and waffles?**


	7. Chapter 7

Wylan cleared his throat. "Inej, you know that we love you and that you're always welcome here but ah…"

"Maybe you should get out of the house? Or take a bath," Jesper suggested.

Inej glared at them from the blanket nest she had built on the couch. "Fight me."

"Inej, you are literally half of my height and while I don't doubt that you could easily kick my ass, you would have to come out first," Jesper smirked at her. The first time Jesper had tried to pull her out, she might have bit him. Not hard enough to draw blood, but enough that he was now hesitant to get any closer.

From inside her nest, Inej practically growled at him.

Wylan sighed. "Look Inej, please come out? You can't stay in there forever. Plus, we've got waffles."

"I haven't been here forever, it's only been…" Inej frowned, thinking.

"Nearly two days Inej," Wylan supplied patiently.

"Come out and stop sulking," Jesper said, still standing slightly behind Wylan. Jesper was too tall to use anyone as a human shield effectively, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying.

Inej shook her head. "I have spent the last three years as a captain on a ship hunting and killing slavers. Before that, I worked for Kaz Brekker and the Dregs and somehow got roped into the stupidity that was breaking into the Ice Court. Before that, I was stolen from my parents and forced to work in the Menagerie. It's been literal years since I've had the luxury of sulking, and I'm planning to take advantage of it."

Jesper looked at Wylan. "The lady has a fair point."

Wylan grinned. "You know, she does…"

"Why are you two looking at each other like that… what are you-"

Inej squealed as Jesper and Wylan both launched themselves at the couch, adding to the pile.

"You guys are horrible," she said from somewhere under the tangle of limbs.

After a few minutes, they were able to rearrange themselves so no one was being smothered, with Inej in the middle still surrounded by blankets. Wylan was lying partially in her lap, and she was pressed up against Jesper. Their warmth was reassuring, and she felt herself slip deeper down into the couch.

"I take it back, you guys are not horrible," she mumbled sleepily.

When she next woke, Jesper was gone but Wylan was still curled up against her, snoring lightly. She dug out one of her arms and started running her fingers through his curls. He mumbled something, but remained asleep.

"And there's our Wraith," Jesper commented from where he was leaning against the doorframe. Inej frowned and Jesper just laughed. "He's not going to wake up. It honestly takes a miracle to wake this kid up," he said fondly.

"He looks like he needs it," Inej said.

Jesper raised an eyebrow. "So do you."

She huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, I suppose I did."

"So… what are your plans today?" He asked her, with the air of someone skirting around a pile of glass.

Inej sighed. "I don't know. I should probably go check on the _Wraith_ and make sure everything is in order there. It's been a few days now. We needed to resupply badly. I'm sure Rast has things under control, but I am the Captain. I should be there."

There was a beat of silence. "Promise you won't leave without saying goodbye?" Jesper asked her quietly.

Inej looked away. "Yeah, Jes, I promise." Looking back at him she continued, "I don't think I'm ready to leave yet."

Jesper nodded. "Well that's good to hear. But whatever you do, you might want to at least move Wylan before he drools all over you," he snickered and left.

Inej groaned, but took his advice and wiggled out from under the still sleeping boy. She looked down at his face. He looked so innocent in his sleep, a trait that didn't completely carry over into his waking hours. If Wylan looked like he had seen more trouble than he deserved, she wondered what her face looked like.

She made her way through the mansion, getting ready for the day. Heeding Jespers advice, she took a bath, and dressed in the simple cotton tunic she had taken to wearing on her ship. The last thing she did was fasten all of her knives to their proper places.

It was another grey and foggy day, and Inej picked her way carefully across the rooftops that were slick with dew. The _Wraith_ came into view over the top of an apartment building, and Inej sucked in a breath looking at it.

Her ship was gorgeous. Kaz had done an amazing job picking one for her. It was large enough to hold her crew and enough supplies for up to a six month voyage. It was still small enough to have speed, and speed was a valuable asset when hunting down slaver ships. To avoid being obvious, slaving ships usually appeared as merchant vessels- large and cumbersome, and with little visible firepower. The crews they held knew how to put up a fight, but they were left fighting against her and their own ship's limitations. While a slave ship sunk low into the waves and required strong winds or strenuous physical effort to turn, the _Wraith_ was able to dart in and out, according to her captain's whims, practically flying across the surface of the water.

As she climbed down from the roof to make her way across the harbor, her heart felt lighter than it had since she reached Ketterdam's shores.

She greeted the few crew members that she had stationed as guards, getting grins in return. Inej made her way belowdecks where Rast was overseeing the loading of their final supply shipment.

"Good to see you back Captain," he commented over the top of his log. "How was your visit?"

Inej sighed. "Complicated."

The older man laughed. "It wouldn't be Ketterdam if it wasn't," he said. Then he launched into a report of the comings and goings of crew and supplies, ticking things off as he went over them. Inej let herself get lost in the minutia.

With Rast's help, Inej checked the entire ship, going over their in-port checklist. No details were too small- they checked everything from the rigging to the integrity of the masts to the number of clean blankets for the people the rescued. While the people they saved were free to move about the ship as they pleased, Inej had learned over time that the vast majority felt safest under the deck, away from the raging sea and Inej's crew. The least she could do was make it as comfortable as possible for them.

It broke her heart every time she heard the mistrust in their voices and saw the skepticism on their faces. Every time their eyes widened, their nostrils flared, and they went the long way around the deck to avoid crossing her path, she felt another crack widen.

But, Inej supposed, she couldn't pick and choose who became afraid of her. She wanted her wrath to be known far and wide- to strike fear into the hearts of slavers everywhere. As a result, her reputation carried over to the people who had no reason to fear her. Her persona had taken on a life of its own, had become larger than life, and perhaps larger than she was prepared to carry.

Inej wondered if this was how Dirtyhands came to be.

* * *

 **AN: A big thank you to everyone who has read and enjoyed this story so far! Thank you for your support**


	8. Chapter 8

Inej slept on the _Wraith_ that night. She sent a messenger to Jesper and Wylan so they wouldn't worry, and reassured them that she wasn't leaving yet. She just needed to feel the deck rocking beneath her feet, the waters constantly shifting even in the calm harbor, and the open air on her face.

Once darkness fell, she went up to the crow's nest- the name never ceased to make her think of the roof of the Slat where she would feed the crows until the sun went down. But, there were no crows at sea.

She often wondered about what Kaz had told her once. Could crows really remember human faces? Did they remember who fed them, or who was nice to them? If that was true, would the crows living near the Slat actually be disappointed she had left?

Her thoughts wandered as she drifted off to sleep, mixing images of the crows she had shared food with and the Crows she shared everything else with.

Inej woke the next morning to arguing on deck below her.

"But I can see her! She's up there and I need to talk to her!"

"Listen son, Inej is the captain of this vessel, and she is not one to be disturbed while she's asleep. When she comes down you can pass your message on, and not a moment sooner."

She peeked over the edge of the rigging and saw Kaz's Suli messenger boy below on the deck, arguing with Rast. The older man had his arms crossed and with that look on his face, she knew the boy would have no chance but to back down. She let the argument continue for a few more moments. Inej had to hand it to the boy, he was persistent. Kaz probably told him he wouldn't get paid if he didn't deliver his message and return within a specific time frame.

Taking pity on the boy, she stood up. "What seems to be the problem below?"

Both Rast and the boy looked up. "Nothing at all Captain," Rast said as he shot a dirty glare at the boy. "There's a message for you is all. It can wait until you're ready though."

Inej saw the boy draw himself up to appear taller, and recognized it as something she did frequently. Even then, the Suli boy only came up to Rast's waist. She chuckled as she threw a rag she still had in her pocket from the day before over one of the lines, and swung her way down to the deck.

As she landed, she saw the Suli boy's mouth drop open and she laughed. Rast was unimpressed, a grumpy look still fixed on his face.

"Thank you for handling this Rast, I can take it from here," she said warmly.

"You sure Captain?" The old man asked.

Inej smiled. "Of course, he's only a boy."

"Yeah, but I'm one of Brekker's boys! I know how to fight!" The boy piped up.

"Brekker's boys?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah!" He grinned proudly. "He's been recruiting us! Boys like me who don't have anywhere else to go. Kaz gives us a place at the Slat and we do work for him."

Inej's brow furrowed. "What kind of work?"

At this the boy frowned. "He won't let us do anything good yet, but he promised one day he'll take me on a job with him! Mostly he sends us on errands and delivering messages and stuff. To get us familiar with the city and how things run around here he says. But he showed me how to use this!" The boy pulled out a knife, and Inej couldn't help but marvel at it. It wasn't as finely crafted as any of hers, but it was clearly no rough craftsmanship.

"Oh he did, did he?" Inej smiled.

"Yeah! He makes sure we practice with them at least three times a week. I'm better than Matty or Henrik for sure!"

The boy's excitement was infectious, and Inej's smile got wider. "I think you had a message for me?" She prompted him gently.

His eyes widened. "Oh! Yeah!" He dug around in his pockets and finally handed her a small letter with a familiar black seal. "Don't worry, I didn't read it! Mostly cause Kaz told me not to, but also on account of I can't read," he grinned sheepishly.

Inej shook her head fondly. It was no wonder why Kaz had taken this boy in. And the fact that there were others… she pictured Kaz being followed around by a mob of children like ducklings and couldn't stop herself from laughing.

"You alright miss?" The boy asked skeptically. Inej nodded and flipped him a gold coin. He grinned bigger than he had the first time and ran off.

She broke the seal to read what Kaz had to say this time. She hadn't bothered to send anyone to him with the message that she wasn't leaving yet. Looking back, maybe she should have. But it was much harder to get someone to deliver a message to Kaz Brekker, and Inej hadn't wanted to return to the Slat yet.

" _I could use a spider tonight. The Slat, eight bells."_

Inej hummed. She wasn't at Kaz's beck and call, not any more. But she couldn't ignore the part of her that was excited at the prospect of putting her spider skills to use. There wasn't much opportunity for spying on the open ocean. The _Wraith_ used stealth to her advantage as much as possible, but going after slavers was less stealth and more of a swift rain of violence. There was no sneaking up, no slitting throats from behind before the victim was aware what was happening. No, Inej's battles were fought face to face, blade to blade now.

Sometimes, she missed being invisible.

She missed being able to wear the darkness like a cloak, and she missed being able to roam the city as she pleased, unseen and unhindered.

Which settled it, she was going to the Slat tonight.

There wasn't much left to be done on the ship, and the day passed agonizingly slow. She could go visit Jesper and Wylan again, but Inej was sure they were busy running Wylan's empire and didn't want to distract them.

She stood against the rail, drumming her fingers in an erratic pattern. She watched a pair of gulls fly noisily across the harbor. The sounds of a ship being unloaded from the other side of the harbor drifted up to her.

Sighing in frustration she turned around and saw Rast walking across the deck. She called him over.

"Rast, what's on the agenda for the day?" She asked him.

"Well, I was planning to take the next few days to visit old friends before we head out again," he answered.

Inej frowned. "You're leaving? There are still things around here that need to be done."

Rast chuckled. "Like what Captain? We're fully stocked with food and weaponry. The lines have all been triple checked, the rigging triple knotted. Belowdecks has been completely scrubbed from top to bottom, and filled with new blankets. We've updated the maps and the charts, and taken on new crewmembers to replace those we lost. The _Wraith_ is ready to set sail, there is nothing else that needs to be done here."

"Oh," Inej replied.

"I set up a skeleton crew to guard the ship while I'm gone, not that I think we'll need it, and granted the rest shore leave for three days. You had told me to keep an eye on things, and you know no crew is good without the chance to stretch their legs at every opportunity," he continued.

 _Three days._ "I remember," Inej nodded. "But what do you mean by not needing a guard?"

Rast raised an eyebrow. "What, you just thought that nobody thought to try and rob or sabotage the _Wraith_? That we were lucky enough to avoid notice? With your colors flying, we should be a prime target here in a city that thrives off the slave trade."

"I guess… I never really thought about it," Inej admitted.

"Oh Inej," Rast shook his head. "It's common knowledge by now that anyone who gets within a hundred feet of the _Wraith_ without being invited by you earned themselves a personal meeting with the Bastard. I assumed you knew," he mused.

Inej had not known. Although looking back on it, she had to admit it did make sense. Ships were sacked in harbors all the time, and Rast was always careful to keep a fully armed crew on board when they made berth anywhere.

"Has anyone taken him up on that offer yet?"

Rast paused. "Aye, two. One was found face down in the harbor. The other… well let's just say his death wasn't quick. Or painless."

"Oh," Inej said again. She didn't know how she felt about Kaz killing for her. Although she supposed it was easier than saying hello for Dirtyhands.

"I'm not going to pretend to understand your relationship with that man, but I think ships in this harbor are sacked by him, not protected. I'm not one to deny a gift though, so with your permission, I'll be taking my leave."

Inej smiled. "Of course, Rast. Thank you. You deserve it, and I hope you have a wonderful time."

Rast winked at her. "Oh, I plan to."

He walked off the ship, leaving Inej alone with nothing to fill the next few hours but think about everything she had just learned about Kaz.


	9. Chapter 9

Finally, _finally_ , the sky began to darken and the lights in the city began to wink on. Inej slipped off of the deck and climbed up to the roof of the nearest building. She would miss the rush that flowed through her veins every time she saw this city from above. It was a view afforded to so few, and she was one of the lucky ones.

She made her way to the Slat, running on autopilot. In her time in Ketterdam, she had approached the home of the Dregs from every angle imaginable, and she knew them all intimately. Even after three years away, her body knew these roofs like she knew the back of her hand.

Inej made good time, and reached the rooftop of the Slat just before eight bells. She was disappointed that the crows seem to have left for the night. She made up her mind to feed them before she left again.

At exactly eight bells, Inej grinned and lowered herself in through Kaz's window. She would beat him at his own dramatic game. But she was greeted only by darkness and empty space.

Kaz wasn't there.

Irritation rippled through her and she scowled. But, she hadn't thought he was on the roof of the Church of Barter either, and he had been.

So she lowered herself to the floor, prepared to wait. Inej looked around slowly, wanting to be completely sure that she was alone. But she couldn't sense anyone in the room. There was no sign of Kaz's presence.

After a few minutes, she started pacing. Her eyes flicked to the desk, and she sighed. Kaz was entitled to his privacy and she shouldn't snoop. But wasn't that what a spider did best? And he had said he wanted a spider tonight.

She crossed the narrow room and began sifting through the papers on the desk. Bills, accounts for the Crow Club, copies of various biographies of merchants… nothing Inej would have deemed out of place, or particularly interesting. Her fingers brushed over a ledger that felt more textured than the others.

Frowning, she lifted it to see a small letter with a black seal on it. It was addressed to her.

She swiped a hand over her face. Of course she wasn't going to beat Kaz in a contest of dramatics. She was foolish for thinking they were even playing the same game. Breaking the seal, her eyes scanned over the looping handwriting.

" _Where the willows bend and only the dead are witness."_

Inej couldn't help the snort that escaped her. Did Kaz Brekker really just try to write _poetry_? It was a poor example, but she could still appreciate the effort. Shaking her head, she stuck the letter in her pocket and headed out the window.

She crept over the city, thankful for the darkness that had now fallen. She relished the cool night air on her skin, and the light breeze playing with her braid, which remained stubbornly tied. It was used to the gusts of the sea, and no light Ketterdam breeze would be enough to liberate it from its plait.

Finally Havenbridge came into view. Inej wasn't sure exactly what she would find, but she trusted that Kaz would have planned a way for her to get to the island. Sure enough, as she lowered herself onto the bridge, she saw a small gondel waiting in the shadows.

Inej huffed out a breath but got into the gondel and began rowing to Black Veil Island. There had been no doubt in her mind that Kaz had meant for her to come here, and the gondel waiting for her proved that. Thankfully, the current was low and it didn't take her long to get to the shore.

She pulled the small boat as far up as she could so it wouldn't drift off and then paused. She wasn't sure where to go next. She could head to the mausoleum that they had hidden Kuwei in, but Inej wasn't sure what good would come of that.

The wind blew and the branches of the willow rustled, and Inej remembered a night, all those years ago.

" _I didn't know if you would come," the words were spat out quickly, forcefully. The words tore at her throat and tasted like bile in her mouth, but she hadn't been able to stop them._

 _She saw the flicker of hurt on Kaz's face, but there was no anger there. Instead he just looked sad. But then the moment passed, and his face was impassive once more._

" _I would come for you," he said simply._

 _Inej eyed him warily. Dirtyhands would_ not _have come for her. She had reached that conclusion, despite how painful it had been to admit to herself. Van Eck had forced her to examine that terrible truth. But wasn't that all Kaz had ever offered her? Better terrible truths than kind lies._

"I _would come for you," he repeated, more forcefully this time._

 _She watched him as he told her that he would have came, that he would have crawled and fought tooth and nail if it was required. That he would never stop fighting. That they would never stop fighting. She saw it in his eyes, eyes so dark that they didn't even reflect the moonlight. He believed what he was telling her. Maybe the boy behind the mask was still there after all._

 _Inej felt the flutter in her chest and she did her best to stamp it down. Kaz Brekker was not one for romantic sentiments. He was a murderer and a thief, a self-proclaimed monster. He was not a boy declaring his love for her with flowers and promises._

 _As Inej weighed it in her mind, she supposed in a way, this promise meant more to her than any other could._

She smiled softly, picking her way around the tombstones to the giant willow where Kaz had made his promise on a night just like this.

It was no surprise that he wasn't there either, but Inej pulled herself up onto a large boulder, after checking to make sure she wasn't disrespecting someone's headstone. It still wouldn't have been the worst thing she had done, but she wasn't actively trying to make her Saints forsake her.

The breeze tickled her hair against her face and she closed her eyes, basking in the moonlight and memories.

"You figured it out faster than I thought," Kaz commented as he slid out of the shadows.

Inej smiled, cracking open her eyes. "What, you didn't think I could decipher your poetry?"

Kaz frowned, but Inej could see the humor glinting in his eyes. "I was hoping you wouldn't just sit there and twiddle your thumbs," he shot back.

"Please," Inej scoffed. "I'm a pirate, not some silly pigeon."

Kaz grinned at that, and managed to haul himself up onto the boulder where she was sitting, wishing that she had picked a shorter rock, and suspecting that she hadn't on purpose. "I apologize, I should have given you more credit."

Inej hummed in agreement. "So, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"The pleasure is all mine," Kaz replied smoothly.

Inej felt that flutter again, the one she had tried and failed to smother the last time they were here. She fought hard to keep the smile off of her face, only partially managing it. "I heard you're a regular mother duck now," she said, keeping her tone light.

Kaz looked confused for a moment before shooting her a halfhearted glare. "Calo needs to learn to keep his damn mouth shut," he muttered.

"Aww Kaz, I think it's adorable!" Inej laughed.

The half glare turned into a full glare and Inej backpedaled. "Honestly though. You're doing a really great thing for those boys."

"I'm not doing it to be good," Kaz scowled. "I'm doing it because I have messages that need to be delivered and information that needs to be gathered. No one gives street urchins a second glance around here, and they can get to places I can't."

He sounded cross, but Inej had given him her approval, and really that was more than he would dare ask for. If he couldn't be a good man, maybe he could still be good for her.

She leaned back on her hands and swung her legs gently. "So Kaz, why did you need a spider tonight?"

 _Because I need you every night._ "The Dregs have a recently vacated position and I find myself in need of a new spy."

She had heard earlier that Kaz's current spider took a bad fall and wasn't going to be spying on anyone for a while.

Inej tried to bite down her disappointment. "You know I left the Dregs Kaz. I've got a job, a crew, and a reputation to maintain now."

Kaz was silent for a moment. "I know. I just… wanted you to know the spot was open. In case you wanted… in case you knew someone who might be a good fit."

"I don't," she said shortly, sliding down off of the boulder.

"Inej wait," Kaz followed, wincing as he hit the ground with his bad leg first.

Against her better judgement she stopped and turned back towards him. He could see the anger flashing in her eyes.

He took a deep breath to steady himself. If he didn't tell her now, he was going to lose her. Kaz could feel it crackling in the air.

 _This isn't easy for me either._ The words that Inej spoke to him once came back now, and he repeated them like a mantra.

"I want you to stay. Here. In Ketterdam. With me. I'm sorry Inej, I can't make you any promises. And I wouldn't even if I could. But you make me want to be better, you make me better just by being around. I spent so long making myself into Dirtyhands. And yet you're able to see through me, which is _terrifying_. I don't know who I am without him, but you've shown me that there's something else there. When I'm with you I feel like I'm drowning, but not in the way I normally do. This one, I might just be ok with."

Here he was, offering Inej what she wanted three years ago. So why did she suddenly feel so hollow?

"Kaz…" she trailed off. "I can't." She wasn't sure when she had decided, but now she knew.

The hurt was plain on his face. She knew what it had cost him to make that admission, and yet she shot him down anyway.

"I am the Captain of the _Wraith_ now. You have an obligation to the Dregs, just like I have an obligation to my crew. If I asked you to give all of that up and come with me, would you?"

Kaz's lip turned up into an angry smirk. "No, I wouldn't."

"You have your life here, in Ketterdam. I have a life out on the sea. I can't just give all of that up because you want me to stay now. You're the one that gave me this opportunity in the first place."

And really, he had always admired that about Inej. She knew her own worth and would never back down when she felt slighted. Inej didn't have to demand respect, Kaz gave it to her more willingly than he had ever given anything.

Kaz's smirk twisted into something sadder. After a moment, he nodded. "I want you to be happy."

Inej thought about the salty sea air that whipped across her face, the feel of the sun against her bronze skin. The satisfaction when her crew captured another ship, killing the slavers and rescuing their captives. The looks of awe and disbelief, and occasionally gratitude on their faces. She thought of the heat radiating from the vessels they burned. The sweat that beaded on her forehead and the burn of her muscles when she helped the crew on deck. Rast and his kind smiles and infinite wisdom.

A smile spread across her own face. "I am."

Kaz nodded again. "Good," he said, holding out his arm.

They walked back to the gondel like that, arm in arm.

* * *

 **AN: Thank you to everyone who has read and enjoyed this so far! I appreciate every view, follow, favorite, and comment that comes my way. This story is almost over, but don't worry, I still want my murder babies to be happy**


	10. Chapter 10

Two days later, she was gone again. Kaz knew he shouldn't have expected anything more. It was dangerous to have expectations in the Barrel.

He often thought that he and Inej were one and the same, two beings shown the true darkness of the world long before they should have been. As a result, they both turned to revenge as their fuel of choice to get them through to the next day.

But there was a fundamental difference that made him and Inej as different as night and day.

Kaz experienced the darkness and became the darkness. He let it fill his mind, body, and what little soul he might have left. It warped him, and he let it. He let himself become a monster and embraced the change.

Inej experienced human cruelty at its worst, and yet still retained her humanity. It threatened to overwhelm her but she fought back with all her might. She still saw the good and the light in people, wanted to believe they could be better.

Kaz hurt people. And he did it because he _enjoyed_ it. He basked in the knowledge that he was better, more powerful, than others. He enjoyed being feared, because fear bred respect. He would make sure that he never felt like that helpless boy alone on the streets again.

Inej hurt people too. She hurt people who hurt people. But she did it because despite everything, she still believed she could make the world a better place. She would never feel helpless again either, because she was the master of her fate now.

While Kaz wore the darkness like a cloak and twisted it to his advantage, Inej saw the darkness and opened a window to let the light shine in.

Standing on the dock, Kaz felt the void in him deepen as he watched Inej sail away from him yet again, but he would not begrudge her her revenge.

He knew the fires of revenge intimately; that overwhelming need that seemed impossible to quench. He knew how it took over your life, your rational thoughts, and your actions. And he knew what he would have done if someone tried to halt his vengeance on Pekka Rollins.

This was something Inej needed, and it was something she deserved. He knew that better than anyone. Revenge hadn't satisfied him the way he had hoped it would. But in a way, he knew he wouldn't be who he was without it. Maybe it hadn't improved him overall, but he couldn't deny that it had shaped him into who he was.

And maybe now without revenge to fixate on, he could start to move forward and grow. Maybe it had shaped him into someone who was ready for that.

So he let her go, again. And against all of his better judgement, against all of his Barrel-made instincts, he found himself hoping. If anyone could make the world a better place, it was Inej.

 _xxx_

She heard a crow and looked up in surprise, craning her neck to find it. But all she could see above her were the wheeling gulls, their laughter echoing across the waves. _There are no crows at sea Inej. There are no crows to be found here._

She sighed and went back to her charts. After three years, she was finally getting the hang of these things.

Before the _Wraith_ , Inej never had much use for maps. Her people never used a map. Directions were handed down orally, and most of their time was spent wandering anyways, travelling to the whims of their desire. Cities and landmarks were described with enough detail that it would be nearly impossible to get lost, and on the rare occasions that they did, no one was bothered. That was the upside to a nomadic lifestyle. No matter where you went, you were always home.

In the Menagerie, Inej never had cause or the ability to leave the building, let alone go anywhere she would need a map to find.

Even with the Dregs, Inej preferred to learn by doing. She spent endless nights crossing back and forth through the city, memorizing routes and locations, and then repeating them during the day when everything looked different. She never used a map for that.

Schematics, sure, like when they broke into the Ice Court. It would have been impossible to pull off that job without a firm image of the inner workings. Even the tiniest detail had been absolutely critical then, and their entire team needed to be on the same page.

But never had she needed to deal with these complicated images of the entire ocean with grid lines and star references to help a sailor figure out where they were.

Inej didn't miss the irony that she could rarely find where she was without Rast's help. The older sailor was far more experienced and knowledgeable than Inej could ever hope to be, and she welcomed his teachings. For her first year at sea, Rast might as well have been the captain of the _Wraith_ , and Inej had told him as much.

He had just laughed. _"A ship this pretty needs a captain just as pretty to match,"_ he would tell her as he adjusted the chart so her finger would be hovering over their actual position.

But now, Inej had finally figured it out and she was certain she was heading in the right direction.

 _xxx_

The moment her ship was moored, Inej headed off the docks. The rooftops would be faster than navigating the streets, and she knew she had eyes on her already. Her patience had been worn thin over the last four months with the relentless beating of the waves.

She lowered herself through Kaz's office window. Her Saints must have heard her that day, because he was inside waiting for her. Rumor had it he still didn't have a spider, so someone must have worked overtime making sure they got the news to him before she arrived. It's true that she hadn't been the least amount of subtle making berth, but she was still moderately impressed.

"Welcome back to Ketterdam," he said cautiously, his bitter coffee eyes guarded.

"Thank you," she replied, suddenly nervous. But her heart was at ease.

"I trust your trip was well?" Kaz asked her, still in that cautious tone.

"The Saints were good, we liberated another ship's worth of slaves since I saw you last." Despite herself, she smiled. It wasn't a happy smile.

Kaz repressed a shudder at how predatory she looked, imagining being a slaver and facing the wrath of Inej. He hoped it was something he would never have to feel.

"Here," Inej said suddenly, holding out an envelope.

Kaz took it with a raised eyebrow, and broke the seal. "What is this?"

"I've decided to make Rast the Captain of the _Wraith_. I think he saw it coming a long time ago, he was quite happy to accept. Sounded like he already had plans for where to go next too."

She remembered the last time she was in Ketterdam, and Rast had told her that they would miss her. He had known long before she had that she was never destined to remain on the sea. Inej had discounted what he said at the time because she didn't see Ketterdam as home, and she probably never would. This city had ruined her. It broke her and twisted her back into something unrecognizable.

But as she sailed away for a second time, watching Kaz grow smaller and smaller on the dock, she realized that Rast was right. Her home was here. The Suli never had a permanent home, and Inej realized this still held true for her. For the Suli, it wasn't the location that made a home, it was the company. Inej knew now that her home wasn't Ketterdam, but the _people_ in Ketterdam. Jesper and his infectious grin and inability to sit still and Wylan with his cheerfulness and open innocence. The both of them sharing their hearts and home with her.

And Kaz. The boy who had unknowingly held her heart in his dirty hands since she met him, the boy who saved her time and time again, the boy who only offered terrible, harsh truths but then turned around and bought her the ship of her dreams and reunited her with her parents.

That monstrous, frustrating, broken, clever boy. The boy who cared too much, despite all of his attempts to prove the contrary.

"Inej…" Kaz frowned, and his rough voice brought her back to the present. The envelope was full of kruge.

She shifted on her feet. "That ship was a gift that you spent a frankly insane amount of money on. And well, we sank the slaving ships we came across. But not before we ah… removed them of any valuables they may have been carrying. I had to pay my crew somehow. So money isn't really an issue."

Kaz looked at her in disbelief. "Just wait until I tell Jesper that you actually _were_ a pirate," he said with a smirk.

Inej shrugged sheepishly. "Anyway, I gifted the ship to Rast, and I trust him to carry on the _Wraith's_ legacy. He's even going to keep the colors. But I still feel like I need to pay you back. I will always be grateful for what you did for me, and you deserve something in return. Do you… still need a spider?"

Kaz hesitated for a moment, feeling the weight of her offer. "Are you staying in Ketterdam then?"

"We need to talk about boundaries," she ignored him, thinking about the last time her ship was in port and Kaz took it upon himself to police the area. "I can take care of myself. And I'd like my room back, hopefully you didn't give it away to anyone too stubborn."

Kaz grinned wryly. "That can easily be arranged, it's still empty. Does this mean that you're staying?" He repeated his question again. That swelling of hope that he felt on the docks was back, but Kaz prepared to smash it out of existence.

"Yeah, I am," Inej said.

A genuine smile spread across Kaz's face as he handed the envelope back to her. "Then you've already given me more than I could ever hope for."

* * *

 **AN:** **And there we have it, the end! A big thank you to anyone who read/followed/favorited/commented here, I appreciate the support. Please let me know what you think, I cherish every comment and I know not everything about my writing is exceptional, so constructive criticism and feedback are always welcome!**

 **I just started up a SOC fan blog, so you can find me on tumblr sixofmurder**


End file.
